I have come to full understanding now, as to why the “tone” of my Facebook posts have changed. Why the content of my blog has shifted. Why my conversations have morphed into moments of tiny tirades.
As I re-read a chapter in Year of Yes — the chapter which speaks to me as if Shonda Rhimes had been my best friend for the past ten years, watching me spiral out of control with my “emotional” eating and alarming weight gain — I realize that my attitude is shifting from being “numb” and soothing myself with comfort foods, to knowing that being numb “no longer suits me.”
As Shonda puts it, “it’s ill-fitting.” She says, “I find myself snapping back at more people. Or writing little Bailey-esque rants into my emails when someone’s upset me. I don’t want to be numb. I want to tell someone who has upset me to take their attitude and shove it right up their–”
Shonda nailed my feelings precisely. And with each day that I let go of that numbness and express how I “really” feel, I am lighter. I feel more alive. I want to do better and be better. I “aspire” to do things I had long ago set aside because I didn’t have the emotional or physical energy to undertake them. And, most importantly, I’ve allowed bygones to be just that… bygones.
I know it won’t happen overnight, and I’ll have to learn to put one foot in front of the other while keeping my balance, and that I will occasionally fall down, but I am hell-bent on transforming my physical ill-being into my well-being.