Speechless

Even though I’m a writer, sometimes finding the right word to express myself is quite difficult. Sometimes, the word I want to use is looming in the deep recesses of my brain and I can almost pull it out — but it’s far too elusive.

Sometimes, I end up restructuring the way I communicate my thoughts because I can’t seem to find the word I want to use — the one word that says it all… powerful words like horror and terror. Words that stand on its own. Nothing else is needed because that one word paints the entire picture. Horror, terror — two powerful words that take us beyond fear, beyond simple darkness, and into an abysmal realm of something undefinable.

So, I was at a loss for words when I needed to say something important to someone influential. In my mind, I knew there was a word I wanted to use — a word of comfort that would say it all — like love, but not love. Love for some is an illusion and for others, a mystery.  Yet, love is one of those words that when you say it, you get a clear picture of it. It has a face, a scent, a voice.

Still, I couldn’t offer anything. Nothing. There was a void between my heart and my brain.  My mouth agape, eyes wide, head cocked… and nothing but a raspy, throaty “um…” fell off my tongue. How daft I must have seemed when, in that moment, I’d said something as asinine as “um.”  Next.

As I walked away, chin in chest, heels dragging, butt dropped nearly to the ground, and utterly humiliated at blowing my one chance to make that spectacular 30-second impression, EUREKA! The word came to me. The word that was locked away in the dark, damp room in my brain managed to escape and hang onto the tip of my tongue.

Of course it would… the moment had passed.  To go back now and say what I wanted to say in the beginning would be even more awkward than my earlier “um” moment.  I spat it out, the word, just to get it off of my tongue.  Just to relieve myself of its putrid stench and repugnant taste.

Okay, so, I’m being a little melodramatic. Okay, it’s a lot of melodrama. Amusing, I hope.  This post is a tongue-in-cheek jab at myself.  We’re sometimes unnecessarily hard on ourselves for the smallest of (what’s the word I’m looking for? Doggonit, it eludes me again)… infractions.

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